Congratulations! You’ve decided not to have a baby! This is a huge milestone, and we want you to know that we—your friends and family—are here to support you. It’s going to be a challenging first couple years as you power through the remainder of your thirties with people constantly asking when you’re going to procreate like they’re eager customers at a Golden Corral and you’re the chef cooking up the next round of fresh hot buns. But not to worry—once you hit forty, that’ll be behind you! Then you’ll be able to look blissfully ahead to the next several decades of acquaintances wondering if you’re really “O.K.,” and whether having a thriving career while also being able to go on vacation whenever you want is truly making you happy. We’re going to be here to support you through that, too.
Today is all about you, so let’s celebrate! We’ve got cupcakes, Bellinis, and a big pile of presents for you to open. This first gift is from Carla and it’s—you guessed it—a motorcycle! You are now free to hit the open road, knowing that if you die in a terrible, fiery crash, there won’t be anyone left waiting for you to pick them up from preschool. You’re off the hook, non-Mom! Oh, look, there’s something written on the card—it says, “Fuck you,” signed “Carla.” Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Many of your closest friends will share this sentiment when they hear about you travelling to Costa Rica and making out with your surf instructor while they fall asleep to the rhythmic pulsing of their own breast pump, but don’t hold it against them. They spent a full fifteen minutes at brunch last week trying to convince you that “Peppa Pig” is “actually, like, a really good show.” Do those sound like the words of a sane person? Do not, I repeat, do not drink the Kool-Aid! (Which, if you’re wondering, can be located in the freezer between the bags of frozen breast milk and the dead hamster that no one’s had time to bury because did I mention the baby?)
We also got you diapers! They’re for you to wear when you’re having so much fun partying well into your fifties that you’d rather stay right where you are and hear the next song than leave the dance floor for even one second to find a bathroom. They will also be useful if you ever decide to spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square—as an adult unshackled by the burden of offspring, that is just the kind of idiotic decision you will be free to make.
We’ve got a surprise for you—Grandma’s here! Now as you know, Nana was really looking forward to you producing small humans from your body, whom she would then be able to spoil as her own without assuming any responsibility for their actual lives—but she’s over that now! She respects the fact that it’s your choice and, to celebrate, she’s giving you her VHS recordings of all the Skinemax films she could finally watch once the damn kids were out of the house! According to her, these tapes include hours of “adult” films for real “adults.” Oh, you don’t need hard copies of these? The Internet is really just a tiny hut of actually useful information built atop of an Everest-sized mountain of porn? Well, enjoy it anyway! I bet they don’t have “Flexi Jerkoff and the Sexy Ray” on “the Internet.”
Which brings me to our final gift. This one’s special because it’s going to get you out of a lot of tough conversations. Open it! It’s a tiny thermometer you can wear around your neck! Now if you ever get cornered in a coffee shop and you’re not up for having “the conversation” with the random woman who noticed that you’re a female of a certain age and thus felt it was appropriate to inquire as to whether or not you’ve given in to society’s blanket expectation to prove yourself valuable in the only way it deems fit (pregnancy), you can just smile, point to the necklace, and say the magic words: “climate change.” If that doesn’t work, you can open the golden locket hanging on the same chain and reveal the picture inside. As the stranger stares at the beady-eyed portrait of Jeff Bezos, you can remind her that, at some point, someone decided to have this baby, and she can make of that what she will.
More Humor
- Dating is so hard when you are an insufferable person with a bland personality.
- I finally listened to my body, and this is what it had to say.
- May I steal your dog?
- I will have kids in a few years, when I am successful and wealthy and my life is finally perfect.
- Compliments I have received in my thirties, translated.
- How to experience New York like a true local.
- Get more humor in your in-box. Sign up for the newsletter.
