If Pope Francis had his way, he would be riding a unicorn with an LGBT rainbow-coloured mane and leading a parade of newly ordained lesbian "priests" to an inter-faith dialogue summit chaired by a Muslim. Our Pontiff would promptly dismount, kneel, and kiss the Muslim's slippers. Then he'd kiss the rabbi's shoes, the Buddhist's sandals, the Hindu sadhu's filthy dung-covered feet, the Unitarian's sneakers, the Mormon's cowboy boots, and the boots of a TV camera-man who got too close while filming this travesty.

Later in the day, he'd attend the first solemn puppet-show teen-rock mass conducted by his new "priests" during which he'd refuse to kneel at all since, as we all know, he has a back problem that renders the act almost impossible.