You're right KFC, Hell is real!

A Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said. The Pagan asked why... "You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good." The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well - Pagan...When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time...A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 5-star resort... "Woww!" thinks the Pagan, "Hell isn't so bad! I'm happy to be here." Suddenly, the sky gets black ...and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth...After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again... "What in Hell was that?" the Pagan asks Satan... Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way!"

Speaking of champagne/drinking...

A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.
A passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.
"You should be more like God, like me," said one.
The other argued, "No, my son, more like me. I am more like God."
The two holy men then argued over which was more like God.
Finally, the drunk interrupted. "I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites, and if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!"

They accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, "You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof." The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Bishop, what'll you have?" Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Father, what'll you have?"

Finally, the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.
The bartender shrugged, "Oh, God, not you again!"

What has Gloria TV evolved into? Where the laity attacks an ordained priest in an open letter for all to see. Whether you agree with the Pope Francis or not, he is our leader and must be respected. Please, I pray that you cease your attacks on our Pope and start practicing your faith without hypocrisy.
In a letter, read during the first session of the 128th Supreme Convention of the "Knights" of Columbus in Washington D.C., Cardinal Bertone wrote that “in the face of often unfair and unfounded attacks on the Church and her leaders, His Holiness (Pope Benedict) is convinced that the most effective response is a great fidelity to God’s word, a more resolute pursuit of holiness, and an increased commitment to charity in truth on the part of all the faithful.”

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate. 1.His Doctor 2.His Priest 3.His Lawyer "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favour. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested." The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it in.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

One day the pope, while riding in the popemobile, gets the urge to do something he hasn't done in a while: get behind the wheel. He orders his driver to stop and change places with him. Then he takes the wheel and starts tearing down the streets, too thrilled to realize that he is speeding. A policeman spots him, chases him down and forces him to pull over. Then the policeman gets out of his car, walks over and asks the speeder for his license and registration. But when the cop looks at the driver, he turns pale, hurries back to his car, and radios in. "I don't think I should issue a ticket," he says, "the person in the car is very important." "Who is he?" asks dispatch. "I don't know," responds the cop, "but the pope is his chauffeur!"

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

A Russian couple were strolling down the street in Moscow, when the husband felt a drop hit his nose. 'I think it's starting to rain,' he said to his wife. 'I don't think so, it felt more like snow to me,' she replied. 'No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said.' Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 'Let's not fight about it,' the man said, 'let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.' As the official approached, the husband stopped him and asked, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?' 'It's raining, of course,' he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: 'I know that felt like snow!' To which the man quietly replied: 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son. "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married." Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish." Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family." Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky." Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor. The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Beggars at the Vatican Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

A wealthy man goes to Rome...
...in one of his finest suits with the hope that when he visits the Vatican, he can be granted an audience with the Holy Father. During one of the Papal processions, he manages to make his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks past them. Instead, the Pope completely blanks the man, and stops several metres after him and stoops down to talk to an old and ragged-looking homeless person. The wealthy man is insanely jealous, and later finds the homeless person that the Pope had talked to and offers him his own fine suit as well as €2000, in exchange for the hobo's rags, to which the man greatly obliges. The next day, the man positions himself in his "new" hobo clothing in roughly the same spot the original man was in the previous day. And sure enough, as the Pope came down the procession, he stopped by the homeless man, bent down and whispered in his ear: "I thought I told you to get lost yesterday"

It's a romantic full moon,
when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."