Francis Criticizes Jesus For Lack Of Diversity Among ApostlesVatican—Working with a team of progressive New Testament scholars, the Vatican has published a paper criticizing Jesus for a lack of diversity among the apostles He chose in the gospel accounts.
Pope Francis pointed out that Jesus only chose Jewish males, refusing to implement diversity quotas for his group of disciples. "Jesus chose all Jewish, cisgendered, able-bodied males: what's up with that?" Francis said as he presented his paper before a group of progressive theologians who had promised not to disagree with him. "It's obvious that Jesus was a nationalistic, xenophobic, hate-filled fearmonger."
The Pope suggested that Jesus should have chosen more women, more transgender disciples, a disciple in a wheelchair, and at least one woman who is 1/1024th Native American. "The sickeningly homogeneous group of disciples should have looked more like the sanctuary of a Novus Ordo parish," Il Papa said to thunderous applause.
"It really hurts Jesus's witness that he did not enforce 21st-century diversity quotas on his disciples," he said.
In closing, the Pope called for a ban on all Bible reading until he personally revises the New Testament (as he did with the catechism) to conform to his very own personal standards.
(the above is slightly modified from a satirical article appearing elsewhere) 
