If you retain my services now, I can guarantee you a suspended sentence. *ehem* "Lord God, my client was motivated by a pious outrage that led him to better familiarize himself with the wiles and ways of the Evil One and his foul minions in their unceasing efforts to undermineYour Church and subvert Your Mass. As a result of this two minutes, my client's burning ardor for Your Church was revitalized …More
If you retain my services now, I can guarantee you a suspended sentence. *ehem* "Lord God, my client was motivated by a pious outrage that led him to better familiarize himself with the wiles and ways of the Evil One and his foul minions in their unceasing efforts to undermineYour Church and subvert Your Mass. As a result of this two minutes, my client's burning ardor for Your Church was revitalized in full and, as the record (I'm certain) will show, they strode forth with a renewed dedication both to You, Lord, and to defending both your Church and your Mass from all its enemies, including those who chip away at its foundations from within! Thusly, I beseech you for a Just Judgement for the time my client spent in light of the spiritual fruits it produced."
If that doesn't work, we'll go for a "dminished capacity" defense. "Lord, my client misjudged their intake at the end of a long and tiring day spent providing for their family and generating the wages they so piously spend on alms for the poor. Consequently they were trashed out of their skull, without being fully aware of the fact and didn't know what they were clicking on. I should add, Oh Lord, in spite of the many outrages present in the video, it -still- remains a Catholic Mass, however diluted.
"My client -was- watching undeniably Catholic content and the two minutes they spent watching fat Costa Rican peasants waddling around to a traditional folk-melody was two minutes my client DIDN'T spend on PornHumb watching fat Costa Rican peasants waddling around on a water-bed offending You, Lord, all the moreso with their obese fornicating fail. Given a choice, surely Your Sublime Mercy will agree, in light of the circumstances, this video was the lesser of two vastly disparate evils."
...and if you think this is something, just wait until you witness the defense I've prepared for some of my own sins, some of which will require far more effort to explain away.
I will gladly accept a retainer paid in cash, checks, and most major energy-drinks.